Episode Summary

Today on Agile Finance Radio, we’re going to discuss the difference between men and women and how that might lead to arguments about money. If you don’t understand why your spouse does the things they do, then listen in so you can finally get insight into their thinking.

Key Points

  • Understand how your money story influences your decisions.
  • Discover the two things both men and women need but need differently.
  • Learn about how men and women filter things differently so you can avoid problems with money.

Resources

Learn more about Love and Respect from Emerson Eggerichs.

Transcript

Introduction

Today on Agile Finance Radio, we’re going to discuss the difference between men and women and how that might lead to arguments about money. If you don’t understand why your spouse does the things they do, then listen in so you can finally get insight into their thinking.

Understanding the Money Story

Just so we are clear, I’m approaching this conversation from a marital relationship between a man and a woman because that’s what I know.

One of the first things to do is reflect on your money story. Ask yourself some of the following questions.

What did money look like growing up? Did you have a lot of money and didn’t think about it, or was it limited, and you felt that pressure? Was it a frequent topic or heated discussion in your family? Did you work in high school or college? How did your parents handle money? Did they talk openly about money? What have you carried forward into your adult life because of that?

How you saw money when you were growing up can definitely influence you in your adult life. It’s crucial to recognize the past. It doesn’t mean that it defines your future, but it could explain your tendencies toward money.

Once you’ve done that, you and your spouse must talk about your money story. This will help in the understanding of a part of your decision making.

Women and Men are Equal but Different

The next thing to recognize is that women and men are different. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just different. The differences are what are uniquely awesome and wonderful about men and women. But it can be a source of frustration as well. If you are out of the honeymoon phase of your marriage, you know what I mean!

I also want to be clear on my definition of different. It has nothing to do with equality. I believe men and women are equal because we are human beings. If you want to see inequality, look at some of the other countries in the world where women have little to no rights. That’s sad. I’m talking about the biological differences that change the way we behave and respond. Those differences are scientific fact.

Let’s take a simple example. What do you think a man and women mean when they say I have nothing to wear. For the women, it’s means i don’t have anything NEW to wear. For the man, it means i don’t have anything CLEAN to wear. Am I right?

Men and women both have emotions and feelings, but we respond and speak differently. Now, ladies, you might not think we have any feelings, and we men tend to believe you have too much. It’s not good, it’s not bad, just different.

Love and Respect

Now that we understand that men and women are different let’s look deeper into how we respond. The University of Washington did a study over 20 Years and 2,000 Couples to find out what were the primary ingredients to a successful marriage. Guess what they came up with? No, it wasn’t just doing what the other person wanted.

They found that men and women both need LOVE and RESPECT. Emerson Eggrich did a study with 7,000 men and women and took this further. He discovered that during a conflict between the man and woman, the FELT need was different.

Can you guess which one? Probably so. For 72% of women, the felt need was LOVE. For 83% of men, the felt need was RESPECT. Let that soak in a minute. During conflict, and I would say in general, we have a different primary felt need. Yes, we have both and other needs as well, but think about the primary one and what that means.

Why would a man say I would DIE for my WIFE? It’s because, for a man, an honor and warrior mentality is rooted in respect. Some of you ladies are thinking he’s been saying that he would die for me, but he never does.

Unless you’ve told your husband that YOU DON’T LOVE HIM, he has no insecurity about your love for him, which some of you women can’t understand because you automatically come from a position of love. It’s how you are wired!

Now, some of you women might think, show him respect why he’s an unloving narcissistic individual. I don’t feel respect for him; he doesn’t deserve it, I’m not going to get out my pom-poms and cheer for him.

If you are in a heated discussion, more than likely, he’s going to back down and disengage, because that would be the honorable thing to do. The fight is not worth it, and he doesn’t realize the severity of the issue because he sees things through his blue glasses.

He’s going to think you are disrespectful and wonder if he ever loved you.

Where you are confronting to connect because there is an issue, the way it’s approached comes across as confronting to control, which is how a man confronts. And this is precisely why there is more walk away women from marriages because neither spouse understands what is going on.

Emmerson came up with this great framework that he calls the crazy cycle. Without LOVE, she reacts without RESPECT, and Without RESPECT, he reacts without LOVE, and the cycle continues. It’s NOT about if we deserve LOVE and RESPECT. WE NEED IT, and we need both.

The Pink and Blue Filters

Understanding that we need both love and respect, but we need it differently is the Key. And it’s essential to be able to communicate that to your spouse and understand how they filter things. Ladies filter through pink while gentlemen filter through blue. Here’s the thing. Men and women may verbalize the same thing, but they may have different meanings because we speak in different languages. If you aren’t speaking the same language, you will have problems. It’s not just communicating but understanding the meaning.

So here’s how that plays out. A lady needs a man to have… Face-to-Face time Listen and not always solve Learn to say I’m sorry You aren’t mad at her Appreciate her Let her know you are committed You treasure her Verbally express your feelings, praise, and support.

And men need ladies to … Appreciate our desire to work and achieve Desire to protect and provide Desire to be strong, and lead Appreciate our desire to analyze and counsel Do recreational activities with him.

Ladies will have to help with this because you have stronger emotional awareness, sensitivity, and are more relational. Neither good nor bad, DIFFERENT

Problems and Money

Problems usually surface because they are rooted in unloving and disrespectful attitudes. If there is GOODWill in the relationship, meaning there isn’t physical, emotional abuse or contempt, then The problem usually isn’t the problem.

And this is where money issues come in. If there is no love and respect in the relationship, money issues will follow.

You’ll start to argue about where the money should go, what’s important, my money vs. your money and extreme positions on spending and saving start to show up, and the focus could turn to status, greed, or power.

Women and men tend to think about money differently. WOMEN: Security, Safety, Meeting Needs, Caring for Family, Caring for Others

So, men, you need to assure her about money by communicating your financial health in a way that she needs. Not ROI. She probably doesn’t care about how much you are up on an investment. But if you are squandering away the money, she will care about that because you are putting the family security in jeopardy!

MEN: Opportunity, Provision, Creating a better life

So, ladies, you need to understand that and be okay with taking on some risk and allowing your husband to try and create better opportunities.

Men, that doesn’t mean you can bet the farm on TESLA’s stock.

This is why it’s crucial to have a financial plan in place that focuses on your family goals, so both needs are met, and you have conversations on how things are going. That openness and awareness will reduce the money frustrations in your home.

Final Thoughts

I hope that provides some insight into how women and men think differently and how that difference can lead to misunderstanding about money and most of the issues in a relationship. It’s important to realize that we both need love and respect, but we need it differently. Stay off the crazy cycle and learn to recognize each other’s needs.

If you need help putting an actionable financial plan in place, head on over to agile finance radio .com and select the work with me option. I’m taking on a few new clients and would be happy to have a 15-20 minute strategy call and see if it makes sense for us to work together.

That does it for this episode of Agile Finance Radio. Tune in next time as we discover more ways to win with money, gain at life, and ultimately retire with confidence.